How the Lakers were saved (sort of)

Fresh Off The Boatshowrunner Nahnatchka Khan joins ESPN The Magazine's screenplay series with a story about a world gone mad, in which only one person can save the NBA's most legendary franchise...

FADE IN: In a SERIES OF QUICK CUTS, we see:

MAGIC JOHNSON Also what I didn't like is the backstabbing and the whispering.

CHYRON: "Coach Kerr on the Lakers' Firing of Luke Walton."

STEVE KERR As head coach, you need a strong organization behind you. The Lakers are not that organization.

STEPHEN A. SMITH The Lakers have regressed so far that the Jeanie Buss era is starting to look like the Jim Buss era!

A local sports reporter interviewing an ANGRY LAKERS FAN holding a sign that says "LeBron Deserves Better."

... JEANIE BUSS sitting behind an enormous desk, watching this all play out on a huge bank of TV monitors.

As REPORTS ON THE LAKERS DRAMA continue to play from the TVs, Jeanie walks to a bar cart and pours a whiskey, splashing as much around the glass as in it. She opens a drawer:

REVEALING a PURPLE AND GOLD telephone. She drains her glass, then picks up the receiver.

INTENSE ACTION MUSIC plays OVER CLOSE-UPS of multiple purple and gold Lakers phones ringing throughout the city.

A huge glass structure built into the side of a cliff. Several helicopters sit on a landing pad nearby. A Mission: Impossible-style CHYRON types on: UNDISCLOSED LOCATION.

Past and present Lakers sit at a large conference table, all with placards in front of them, a la the United Nations.

As the CAMERA PANS around the table, we see:

FRANK VOGEL: Current Lakers head coach, just happy to be here

KURT RAMBIS: Former Laker, current Lakers senior basketball adviser and husband of Linda

We notice that Linda's placard looks less official than the others, handwritten on a sheet of notebook paper.

JASON KIDD (former NBA All-Star, current highest-paid NBA assistant coach) leans over to her.

JASON KIDD And what do you do in the organization?

Annoyed, Linda taps her paper placard with her pencil.

JASON KIDD Why's your name card look different?

JASON KIDD It looks like you just ripped out a piece of notebook paper--

LINDA RAMBIS I AM THE EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF SPECIAL PROJECTS AND IT IS A REAL JOB!!

Jason backs off. Jeanie takes a seat at the head of the table. (As she speaks, a SIGN LANGUAGE INTERPRETER stands behind her, translating her words into ASL, for some reason)

JEANIE BUSS I called this emergency meeting because we have a big problem. An image problem. You've all seen the news these past several months: Our public perception is in the toilet.

A few people roll their eyes. Kobe raises his hand.

FRANK VOGEL Hey, Kobe, Frank Vogel, new Lakers head coach, happy to be here. LeBron is currently shooting Space Jam 2. But he sent a representative in his place.

REVEAL the TASMANIAN DEVIL in a Space Jam basketball jersey, sitting where LeBron's placard is. He looks studious, wearing glasses and holding a yellow legal pad.

Kobe sniffs, takes his Oscar out of his bag and sets it on the table. He angles it toward Taz. They hard stare at each other. Taz SLOBBER-GROWLS. Subtitle: "Make a move then."

JEANIE BUSS The press is all over us. We can't do anything without it being blasted all over social media. We have to get out from underneath this microscope so we can regroup and get ready for next season.

PHIL JACKSON You know what you need?

JEANIE BUSS (Sticking it to him) Time to figure out who I am and what I want?

PHIL JACKSON (Uncomfortable) Uh, no. You need a lightning rod. Someone who attracts attention and knows what to do when they get it. Someone who's willing to stand in the line of fire.

KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR (Bad acting) Oh, that's interesting! Like who?!

ROB PELINKA Kareem, are you FaceTiming someone?

Rob pulls Kareem's hand up from under the table to REVEAL that he's holding a phone, on a FaceTime call with MAGIC JOHNSON.

MAGIC JOHNSON (From phone) It's me! F--- you, Pelinka!

KURT RAMBIS An-y-way ... you were saying, Phil?

LINDA RAMBIS Kurt, please! (Then) You were saying, Phil?

PHIL JACKSON You all need a press secretary.

THE IRON SHEIK sits on a couch, cracking and eating pistachios with one hand through the entire scene.

IRON SHEIK The Iron Sheik is no secretary.

REVEAL Jeanie Buss, Rob Pelinka and Frank Vogel sitting across from him, each holding a glass of Persian tea.

JEANIE BUSS No, a press secretary. We need someone to be the face of the operation. Someone who's not afraid of the media, who's willing to go out there every day and defend us. Y'know, put on a show.

The Iron Sheik nods, then looks at Rob and Frank.

IRON SHEIK It is good you let her do the talking. (Then to Jeanie) OK. Sheik agree to this. But I don't work Wednesday nights.

ROB PELINKA (Knowing) Because of your religion.

IRON SHEIK Because of Riverdale. From 8 p.m. to 9 p.m., Sheik immersed only in adventures of Archie and gang. The three of them nod OK ... "Yeah, that works."

The Iron Sheik, now in a Lakers jersey and keffiyeh, stands at the lectern, facing an army of confused reporters.

REPORTER So ... you're the official "press secretary" of the Lakers? The Iron Sheik SLAMS his hands on the lectern, causing the whole room to jump.

IRON SHEIK [Bleep] You, jabroni!!! You ignorant [Bleep]!! [Bleep Bleep] dog! I'll break your back, [Bleep Bleep Bleep] and make you humble!!

Sheik SPITS, then grabs a folding chair from behind him and launches it into the crowd. FREEZE FRAME on the IMAGE as we PULL OUT to REVEAL ...

... that this video has been playing during a segment of the show. JOHN ANDERSON addresses CAMERA.

JOHN ANDERSON This was the scene today at the announcement of the Iron Sheik as the new Lakers press secretary. Five people were injured, although some were accused of "just faking."

STEPHEN A. SMITH is on the sideline reporting a Lakers practice going on behind him.

STEPHEN A. SMITH The Lakers opened training camp today with a lot of questions still circling ...

Courtside, we see the Iron Sheik start to OPEN-HAND SLAP one of the assistant coaches.

The IMAGE ZOOMS in on Sheik, who now is trying to put the assistant in a camel clutch.

STEPHEN A. SMITH (O.S.) Yo, man, this guy is for real crazy.

IRON SHEIK (Yelling from far away) Jabroni!!

In another MEDIA MONTAGE, we see DIFFERENT CLIPS of the Iron Sheik acting crazy, yelling, throwing things, putting people in wrestling holds. You know what we're not seeing, though?

Anything about the Lakers. Again we PULL OUT to REVEAL ...

... Jeanie at her desk, Rob Pelinka, the Rambises and Frank Vogel around her, all watching the Iron Sheik show on the monitors. Pleased, Jeanie hits pause on an unfortunate frame of the Sheik putting Jason Kidd in a figure-four leglock.

LINDA RAMBIS (Overlapping) Amazing! I also think it is amazing.

ROB PELINKA (Dials on his cell) Trying Sheik now.

A teary Sheik, wearing his glasses, watches Riverdale. He ignores his BUZZING cellphone on the coffee table.

FRANK VOGEL Sheik's done exactly what we needed. With the focus on him, we pulled off a blockbuster trade for Anthony Davis, got players in free agency and made big moves.

JEANIE BUSS Time to get the spotlight back on us and this team.

They all ad-lib agreement, followed by silence. Finally:

KURT RAMBIS So who's going to tell Sheik his services are no longer required?

Sheik, dressed in his Lakers garb, holding a briefcase and a to-go travel mug, walks down the front pathway toward his car. He bends down to pick up the newspaper when he hears:

He stands up and comes face-to-face with ... SHAQUILLE O'NEAL, wearing a suit and overcoat, holding a pastry box. The THEME MUSIC to The Godfather softly starts to PLAY.

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL Jeanie asked me to give you a ride to work this morning.

Shaq gestures to a car idling nearby, a guy dressed like him standing outside it. Sheik squints at him.

It is. METTA smiles as he gives Sheik a little weird wave. As Shaq leads Sheik toward the waiting car, Sheik points at the pastry box ...

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL Cannoli. It's good, you'll like it.

Source: Espn.com

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