(CNN) Just before 9 a.m. Eastern time on Friday, President Donald Trump tweeted that he would be holding a "News Conference" to talk about the "Jobs Numbers!"

He talked about the jobs numbers, all right, as well as how he might buy an RV and drive it around the country and how he is very physically fit. One thing he didn't do in the rambling 45-plus minute event was take any questions from reporters. Which makes what he did not a news conference at all, but a speech.

Nonetheless, I went through the transcript of Trump's remarks and pulled out the lines you really should see. They're below.

1. "We were very strong. We had the greatest economy in the history of our country, we had the greatest economy in the history of the world."

2. "And therapeutics, likewise, we're doing extremely well. Cures, we're doing well. I think those two words really blend in with each other."

Wait, so Trump thinks the words "cures" and "therapeutics" go well together? That's what he's saying here? Like "cure-apeutics?" Or maybe "thera-cures?"

3. "And it's also -- the nice part is, we have four companies -- I guess you could even say seven or eight companies -- that are doing, some similar and some very different, on the vaccine front, and some similar and some somewhat different on the therapeutic front."

Diagram this sentence. I dare you.

4. "I hope that the lockdown governors -- I don't know why they continue to lock down."

5. "And I hope they also use our National Guard. Call me, we'll be ready for them so fast their heads will spin."

In which the President of the United State practically begs governors to allow him to send National Guard troops to respond to what have been, especially of late, peaceful protests in the wake of George Floyd's death.

6. "What we're announcing today is a tremendous tribute to equality."

What he is announcing is the fact that the economy added more than 2 million jobs over the last month. The unemployment rate for black workers was 16.8% in May , generally stable with where it was in April. White workers' unemployment dropped to 12.4% this month.

7. "We had the most people working in the history of our country, almost 160 million people. We were never even close to that."

This is true! But it's also misleading. We had more people working in America than ever before because we have more people in America than ever before.

8. "I think even before today, our polls were -- the polls that I've seen and the polls that we do were looking very good."

9. "I'm a big environmentalist."

10. "We have the cleanest air, the cleanest water we've ever had."

11. "Our body was so powerful that we could actually close our country, save millions of lives, stop people very early on from China from coming in -- because we stopped early, at the end of January, very early, people coming from China who were infected coming into our country."

12. "We'll have the greatest -- we'll go back to having the greatest economy anywhere in the world; nothing close."

You can't go back to something that didn't exist.

13. "But it's a gift from China, and a very bad gift, I will tell you that."

Donald Trump on coronavirus: "A very bad gift." On a related note: When I was 12, I bought my dad an Atari 2600 for Father's Day. Meaning, I spent my parents' money to buy a gift for myself on a day meant to celebrate my dad. That, I would say, is a "very bad gift."

14. "They knew it was a problem. But they didn't stop it cold from coming to the United States, Europe and the rest of the world. Somebody has to ask these questions, and we'll get down to the answer."

Just the President suggesting, without providing any evidence to back it up, that China somehow purposely allowed the virus to spread around the world while limiting its spread in their country. No big deal! Normal stuff!

15. "But the ink wasn't dry on that deal when the -- when the plague floated in. What's going on? A plague is floating in from China. What's going on?"

"Who am I? Why am I here?" -- Admiral James Stockdale

16. "V is wonderful. A V is this, that we're talking about, will it be a V, a U, an L, they had no idea."

He is talking about a "V"-shaped economic recovery in which there is a very severe dip and then a very rapid recovery.

17. "I think it was probably the greatest miscalculation in the history of business shows -- history of business shows, talking about Wall Street. And that's OK."

Even the inaccurate predictions of job losses in May have to be "the greatest miscalculation" in history. Many people are saying it. Believe me.

18. "You're getting closer together. Even you, I noticed you're starting to get much closer together. It looks much better, I must say. You're not all the way there yet, but you'll be there soon."

Trump is referring here to the press corps sitting closer to one another. The reason for this? The White House staff put the chairs closer.

19. "This isn't a terrible recession. I don't even mention the 'D' word. I don't talk about the 'D' word. I don't want to talk about it because every time somebody even mentions it -- I don't like the 'D' word."

Offered without comment.

20. "It'll all work out. It'll all work out."

[nods head slowly]

21. "Hopefully George is looking down right now and saying, 'There's a great thing that's happening for our country.' This is a great day for him, it's a great day for everybody. This is a great day for everybody."

Just to be crystal clear at what Trump is saying here: George Floyd, who died at the hands of Minneapolis police officers late last month, is looking down from heaven, seeing the jobs numbers, and saying, "There's a great thing that's happening for our country." Yes. It's beyond belief.

22. "And this time, the greatest comeback in American history -- today is probably, if you think of it, the greatest comeback in American history. "

Absolutely everything has to be the biggest and greatest. Everything.

23. "I was watching our great vice president today being interviewed on CNBC -- he did a phenomenal job -- and he made a statement."

Remember: Donald Trump watches a lot of TV. Like, a lot.

24. "I've had 144 all-time high stock markets during a 3.5-year period."

"I've."

25. "I have a good -- I've always done well with numbers. But I had a feel for it."

26. "It's very tough, very contagious, very mean to certain people."

The President of the United States on a virus that has killed more than 108,000 Americans: "Very mean to certain people."

27. "They were saying, 'Oh, you should use admirals.' I said, 'I did.' 'You should use generals.' I said, 'I did. I used them both.'"

Who is this mysterious "they?"

28. "It's complex -- very complex machinery, computerized all over the place, and very expensive."

Ventilators, man. Those things are "computerized all over the place."

29. "The cupboards were empty. The previous administration left us empty cupboards."

30. "We may have some embers or some ashes, or we may have some flames coming, but we'll put them out. We'll stomp them out."

He's talking about putting out future Covid-19 spikes. And, yes, this is the most tortured metaphor ever.

31. "People are -- people are driving. I may have to buy one of those things; drive around town. Maybe I'll drive back to New York with our first lady in a trailer."

No words.

32. "I think I'm going to buy an RV and travel from now on in an RV with our first lady. I don't think anybody would mind that."

[narrator voice] They wouldn't.

33. "So I say, 'Thank goodness I'm in perfect shape. Thank goodness.'"

According to the results of a physical exam released by the White House this week, Trump is 6'3" tall and weighs 244 pounds. That gives him a Body Mass Index of 30.5, meeting the definition of clinically obese.

34. "I said it a long time ago based on knowledge -- based on knowledge. I'm -- I'm meeting with these geniuses -- based on knowledge."

"Based on knowledge." (He's talking about a vaccine timeline. I think.)

35. "I said a long time ago -- I said 'by the end of the year.' I think it's going to be a lot sooner than that."

The most optimistic predictions for the development and distribution of a coronavirus vaccine are late 2020 or early 2021.

36. "We did all of these numbers and all of this greatness -- we have the greatest economy we've ever had."

So many numbers. So much greatness.

37. "Nobody has done more in three and a half years than this administration has done. Nobody has come close to doing the things we've done."

This is basically an uncheckable claim. But Trump says it a lot so it must be true!

38. "We have sadists, we have thieves, we have a lot of bad people."

Wait, we had sadists at the VA? Man!

39. "You are something."

The President of the United States to Yamiche Alcindor, a reporter for PBS NewsHour and a black woman, who was asking him for specifics on a plan to address the violence against African Americans by the police.

Yeah, this feel like a good place to end.

Source: CNN

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