There can’t be a much better start to pre-season than winning a match 27-0, which is exactly what Bayern Munich did this week against the unfortunate Rottach-Egern, who play in Germany’s ninth tier. Just imagine the damage if Thomas Tuchel’s side had secured their summer target Harry Kane. (In truth, there probably is a better start to a pre-season, and that’s to play a friendly that provides an actual challenge – Bayern beat the same opposition 23-0 in 2019 …)

Though it might seem unlikely that a match that had a scoreline of 18-0 at half-time – and in which three players eventually scored five goals each – is nowhere near the heaviest defeat of all time, there have been plenty of lopsided scorelines throughout football history. Here we take a look at some of the more surprising, excruciating and scandalous.

The 149-0 season finale (2002)

The largest recorded defeat, certified by the Guinness Book of Records, took place in 2002 in extraordinary circumstances in Madagascar’s top flight. AS Adema, who would go on to win the title, beat Stade Olympique de l’Emyrne (SOE) a whopping 149-0 (not a typo). At first glance – and here I am also going to assume little knowledge of Madagascan top-level football – you might think that this was a battering of minnows, but you’d be wrong.

In fact, SOE were the reigning league champions, and those 149 goals? All self-inflicted. AS Adema and SOE are bitter rivals, and the final fixture of the season was to be a showdown to decide the title. But in their penultimate match, SOE were on the end of a contentious refereeing decision that meant they were held to a draw, ending their hopes of retaining the title and handing the crown to AS Adema. In a gloriously petty protest, SOE sabotaged their now futile game against AS Adema by putting the ball in their own net 149 times – a goal every 36 seconds.

There were consequences: SOE’s coach was banned for three years, and some of the players were initially suspended for a season – a sanction that was unsustainable because they were imperative to the national team.

‘Probably the worst team in Britain’ (2010)

It’s not a description that would boost the morale of most players, but “probably the worst team in Britain” is how Madron FC’s manager assessed his side in 2010 after a run of 11 consecutive losses, conceding 227 goals in the process. Their heaviest defeat during that period? A 55-0 spanking by Illogan RBL reserves. Madron managed to score only two goals in those 11 games.

In fairness, Madron were playing in the Cornish Mining League, and their teamsheet included pub locals. Madron went on to finish the season with zero points and a goal difference of minus 395. Only eight of the first XI would pose for a team photo, with the rest apparently too embarrassed. There is one silver lining for Madron: in 2012, the amateur outfit Wheel Power FC beat Nova 2010 FC 58-0 to nick the record for what is believed to be the biggest win/defeat in British football history.

The fixture which changed Fifa rules (2001)

American Samoa are not known for their footballing prowess – they are without a world ranking and it was only in 2011 that they won their first international match (against Tonga). When they played Australia in a 2002 World Cup qualifier, American Samoa were ranked lowest in the world.

The Socceroos destroyed them 31-0 – it remains the largest victory in an international match. There were extenuating circumstances: the majority of American Samoa’s first team could not play owing to passport issues, and most of their older youth players were busy with school exams. They ended up fielding three 15-year-olds in a team with an average age of 18. It took them 10 minutes to concede, which represents an achievement.

The landslide was such a farce that it led Fifa to change the rules, introducing preliminary rounds for the Oceanic qualification zone for World Cups. (In their previous fixture, Australia had defeated Tonga 22-0.)

Amusingly, Archie Thompson, who scored 13 goals against American Samoa (also an international record), was dropped for Australia’s next game. And, after all that, the Socceroos failed to qualify for the 2002 tournament, losing to Uruguay in a playoff.

A Scottish day of routs (1885)

It was quite the day for Scottish football on 12 September 1885. As Arbroath were sticking 36 goals past Bon Accord without reply, 18 miles away Dundee Harp were crushing Aberdeen Rovers 35-0. Both games were first-round fixtures in the Scottish Cup.

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In the former, a number of goals were disallowed, although the number is contested. The referee said after the match he chalked off seven goals, but different match reports put the number as four or five. One claimed that Arbroath’s keeper did not touch the ball for the entire match, instead spending the game sheltered under an umbrella. It was also difficult to keep score in the latter fixture; initially it was recorded as 37-0, but a notekeeper amended the tally to 35. I am not sure this made the Rovers players feel much better.

Arbroath currently play in the second tier of Scottish football. In the 2021-22 season, they narrowly missed out on promotion to the Premiership. The other three teams have gone to the great football stadium in the sky.

Home supporters in the main stand watch Arbroath play Queen of the South in a Scottish Championship fixture in 2021. Photograph: Colin McPherson/Getty Images The most unsubtle match-fixing (2013)

If one is going to throw a match, it’s probably best not to rack up a scoreline of 79-0, or, for that matter, 67-0, but those were two results of a playoff round in Nigeria’s Nationwide League Division, as two teams chasing promotion plotted to send their goal differences soaring. Plateau United Feeders knocked 79 past Akurba and, at the same time, the terrifying-sounding Police Machine thrashed Babayaro. Naturally, suspicions were raised and a huge scandal in Nigerian football ensued.

The Nigeria Football Federation called the incident a “mind-boggling show of shame”. Unsurprisingly, everybody involved was banned from competing for life.

Unequal equality (2001)

And finally, outrageous routs are not confined to the men’s game. In 2001, Willenhall Town thrashed Burton Brewers 57-0 – scoring a goal every 90 seconds. The match, which took place in the very-long-named West Midlands Sunday League Division One North, is the highest-scoring women’s match, surpassing a 46-0 win secured by the Doncaster Belles in the Yorkshire Cup.

Willenhall Town had previously beaten Burton Brewers by a rather paltry 27 goals, but besting that result by another 30 was quite a feat; even the goalkeeper scored, a 25-yard screamer no less. Magnanimous in victory, Willenhall Town’s coach said: “The girls have a lot of respect for Burton, who never gave up.”