Who's Your Band? Vanity

Posted on by null and void

The Doors: You have been bitten by an animal while trying to get it stoned.

The Who: You own a Goldwing with a baby-changing station.

Ted Nugent: Your hair has at some point been caught in a ceiling fan, boat propeller, or lathe.

The Rolling Stones: You own three cars and no stereo.

Canned Heat: You own three stereos and no car.

The Beatles: You can do exactly 1.5 pull-ups.

Deep Purple: Some part of a law named after a young girl applies to you.

Led Zeppelin: The first three things you smoked were banana peels, catnip, and poppies, in that order.

Jimi Hendrix: You are under 20 or over 65.

The Kinks: You have bad teeth and are good in bed.

The Guess Who: You have good teeth and are bad in bed.

Black Sabbath: Your greatest joy is painting in unventilated rooms.

David Bowie: There is still, somewhere, a Dig Dug or Zaxxon machine with your high score on it.

Mott the Hoople: You are David Bowie.

The Moody Blues: You are a former volunteer at the Liberace museum, a serial killer, or both.

The Grateful Dead: Your stories about the seventies make your daughter’s roommates at Tufts very uncomfortable.

T-Rex: No matter how much you clean, there will always be trace amounts of glitter on your stove and blender.

The Eagles: You can only reach orgasm while listening to talk radio.

Pink Floyd: Your garage is full of failed versions of your stereo/barbecue hybrid.

Thin Lizzy: You are often forced to change or cancel your plans due to NO LOITERING signs.

Chicago: You are incapable of talking about Chicago without mentioning their horn section.

Quicksilver Messenger Service: You become sullen when people don’t stick around while you fix their vacuum cleaners.

Crosby, Stills & Nash: You own an oversized hat.

Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young: You own three or more oversized hats.

Jefferson Airplane: You make your living buying and selling oversized hats.

AC/DC: You only remove your socks to shower, and then only reluctantly.

Aerosmith: You know a store that still sells puffy Reeboks.

Van Halen: You have a Peeing Calvin bumper sticker on your Jeep.

Sammy Hagar: You have a Peeing Calvin bumper sticker on your Subaru Brat.

Bachman-Turner Overdrive: You have an actual urine stain on your Subaru Brat.

Uriah Heep: You are the cause of the urine stain.

Santana: You have had an hours-long conversation with someone before realizing it was just a pile of clothes.

Rainbow: You have worn sweatpants to a funeral.

Foreigner: You have a severely wrinkled Jane Fonda poster under your bed.

Styx: You have a severely wrinkled Foreigner poster under your bed.

Allman Brothers Band: You do not own a bong, but can quickly make one from a piece of fruit or an abandoned toilet.

Bad Company: You have sustained several alcohol-related injuries involving sheetrock.

Cream: You know a guy who knows a guy who worked on Star Wars.

Journey: You own those running shoes that are shaped like feet.

Lynyrd Skynyrd: You somehow have both long hair and a sunburned scalp.

Yes: Your ideal partner would be into both tantric sex and fat guys.

Creedence Clearwater Revival: You are frequently missing part of an eyebrow.

Rush: You carry a small flashlight everywhere, and use it at least three times a day.

Blue Cheer: You have a subset of friends whose sole purpose is to hold your hair while you vomit.

Boston: Your best friend really likes Blue Cheer.

Steely Dan: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of Remembrance of Things Past.

Fleetwood Mac: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of The Hobbit.

Blue Oyster Cult: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of Type 2 Diabetes for Dummies.

Mountain: You have snorted cocaine off a Blue Oyster Cult record.

Nazareth: You have snorted cocaine off a member of Mountain.

Molly Hatchet: You sell baking soda to Hawkwind fans and tell them it’s cocaine.

Kiss: You have partied on a boat in a driveway.

The Byrds: There is a thin layer of sand on the bottom shelf of your fridge.Queen: You have injured several people by jogging into them.

Bob Dylan: You have the Swiss army knife that comes with a map reader and tweezers.

Electric Light Orchestra: You have three lava lamp bases and five tops.

The Beach Boys: You won’t live anywhere without a built-in microwave.

Mike Oldfield: You have five lava lamp bases and three tops.

The Band: You have misspelled your name while carving it into a picnic table.

Genesis: You know what a steeplechase is.

The Doobie Brothers: You have swallowed exactly two spiders—one accidentally, one on purpose.

The Zombies: You know what French cuffs are.

Warren Zevon: You have a jacket with elbow patches.

.38 Special: You have a tattoo of an animal driving a vehicle.

Bob Seger: You lost your virginity in a Chevette with a spoiler.

The Georgia Satellites: You lost your virginity in a Chevette that was being towed.

REO Speedwagon: You have a favorite brand of lip balm.

Bruce Springsteen: Your ringtone is either “Takin’ Care of Business” or “Chariots of Fire.”

UFO: You have burned yourself while urinating on a campfire.

Slade: You have smoked speed through a TV antenna.

Procol Harum: You have smoked hash through an antique rifle.

Heart: You have smoked chamomile tea through a hookah.

Alice Cooper: You have a photo of your dog wearing sunglasses on your phone.

Stevie Ray Vaughan: You have a bolo tie in the shape of a gun, guitar, or state.

Stealer’s Wheel: You own an adding machine.

Traffic: You have several incense scars.

Emerson, Lake and Palmer: You have several self-inflicted incense scars.

Hall and Oates: You have successfully fought someone off with a ski.

Neil Young: You know at least three stores that sell bidis.

America: You think America is Neil Young.

Joni Mitchell: You have accidentally eaten more than half of a scented candle.

Montrose: You have used a bandana as a coffee filter.

Steppenwolf: You have three or more cigarette burns in hard-to-reach places.

Golden Earring: You have three or more intentional cigarillo burns.

Jimmy Buffett: You have used AAA as a cab.

Brownsville Station: You have tried to use AAA without a car.

Meat Loaf: You have a mustard stain on your mousepad.

Joe Walsh: You have fired a gun while in your underwear.

Don Henley: You have been shot at while in your underwear.

Bread: You have a cordless phone with an extendable antenna.

Donovan: You have a non-mammal pet with a human name, e.g. an iguana named Phillip.

Joe Jackson: You are an excellent speller.

Steve Miller Band: You have not yet figured out how to turn off the hourly beep on your digital watch.

Grand Funk Railroad: You have become stuck trying to retrieve a quarter from behind a stove.

Blood, Sweat & Tears: You have become stuck trying to retrieve your friend who likes Grand Funk Railroad from behind a stove.

Little River Band: You have used a riding lawnmower to flee across state lines.

Big Brother and the Holding Company: Your coffee table is a big wooden spool.

Alabama:v You are from Alabama.

Kansas: Your first kiss was with a Toto fan.

Toto: You don’t really remember your first kiss.

MC5: You have barbecued a whole chicken at 3 am.

Ozzy Osbourne: You have barbecued a frozen pizza at 3 am.

Dio: You have accidentally dropped a flashlight into a barbecue.

King Crimson: You have spent an entire afternoon watching a screensaver.

Eric Clapton: You yell when you play table tennis.

Little Feat: You have hit a baby with a frisbee.

Buffalo Springfield: You have broken a reinforced window with a frisbee.

Blackfoot: You have stolen a wine cooler from the back of a pickup truck.

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